SAD Sunday's

I don't care much for Sunday's. It seems since I have started working again most Sunday's I spend the day being sad and depressed. Weekends are a time when you are supposed to have fun and have leisure time. There is no such thing as fun in my life. I stop after going a mile a minute M- SAT.  And furthermore I should be cleaning my house on the weekends right? Do I? Not so much. And I do a great job of internally crusifing myself for not doing so. And the bottom line is I do not have a job that I even somewhat look forward to going to on Monday. There's a feeling of dread a big feeling of dread. Because it is not very life affirming. It in fact, drains me. The job itself drains me not to mention being watched over every breathing second by management. Flat out it is a very dysfunctional. You feel like a child and one that will never please the parent.  But right now it is what it is and I just try to feel as grateful as I can because if I did not have the job we would be homeless. Survival. No joy, no sweetness, no fun, just go to work, come home and watch TV go to bed and do it all over again day after day. Though maybe not a reality I feel like I have nothing to look forward to ever. I don't even have a single girlfriend in my life who I can hang with and do girl things which would be fun. I have been in Reno for almost 2 years and I have not done anything here except be in our apartment. When all else fails I can just sleep right? Then I don't have to think about anything. I'm glad I do not drink or take drugs, I am very grateful for that!

Wake Up Call

My last post was about my DR visits. I was hoping to get to the bottom of why I feel so crappy and why losing weight seems to be so hard for me. I'm not looking for an easy way out but I just feel like something is off. It has been about 4 or 5 years since I had blood work done and when I went to the Dr last year to get a refill on my anti-depressants she wanted to check my thyroid but we had no money for me to do that.

So I tried all last week to get some results of my blood work. I got bits and pieces but still need more info. So my sugar was good, my thyroid came back good, my cholesterol was good. They said my prolactin was high and the wanted me to do an MRI and there was a mention I thought of getting referred to an endocrinologist. I do not believe that my thyroid is normal since I have had low thyroid before and I have all the symptoms of low thyroid. I realized to this past week that I was having a reaction to caffeine not blood sugar attacks as I thought. I still question how one single blood test can show how my sugar is. Whatever the results it is time to get this weight off and get healthy. I'm tired of feeling crappy and looking crappy.

So the second wake up call I got was at the dentist yesterday and this brought me to tears so I guess this was really the bottom, the wake up call. I have not gone to the dentist for about 5 or 6 years because we have not had insurance, and honestly I have not been great with the teeth. Should of flossed regularly like they say to. I found out I have periodontal disease and I already have some bone loss. I also possible need two caps. The thing with your health is you can reverse things but with the teeth you can't. SUCKS! But I guess I can stop it from not getting worse. I was crying because I was so angry at myself for letting my health go the way I have. Not for a few years but but for about 14 years. 14 years wasted in not being healthy and being able to live life to the fullest because being FAT got in the way. Physically I have/had no energy and I lost all my confidence I had in myself. I have felt that people don't see me and all they see is my weight. I have felt very judged because of my weight. Whether it is true or not that is how I felt/feel.

Today as I write this I am not in the best of spirits. I have to just pull it together and make this happen.

My Trip to the Doctor's

I think I am the only person in the world who does not mind going to the DR. I am a strong believer in preventative medicine. It's been a good three years since I have been without medical insurance and dental insurance. A place I never thought I would be. So I have not had any of my annual check ups. In the meantime, I have not really felt up to par. I know my weight is a lot of the problem but I can't help feeling something is not right. This past month I have had some pretty scary blood sugar attacks. I have also been experiencing bloating for some time,  reflux, and general gastric and intestinal distress.

Now that I am working again I now have an awesome benefit plan. This past week I went to three Dr's. The GYN, dermatologist, and the general physician. Next weekend I get to go to the Dentist and then the following week I go for the mammogram. My new general Dr was a little overwhelmed with my laundry list of issues. I had a boatload of blood taken for lots of blood tests. We are looking at possible sugar issues, acid stomach, thyroid and we will see what else. Let's just say I am at a crossroad in my life as far as my health goes. I'm sure any and all of my health issues can be resolved if I finally get all this weight off and start an exercise program. I know I need to eat healthy and get exercise everyday for the rest of my life if I want to have a long life and a high quality life. The doctor has already written up a refferrel for me to see a nutritionist.  I have such low energy right now and am tired almost all the time. It's not really a lack of sleep although I do need to work on that too, it's just a general lethargic feeling. I have not been able to get my head together mentally either. I will post all the results hopefully later this week.

Next is to get the hubby and the son to the DR.....

Not Just A Blog On Fitness

This blog is not going to just be about weight loss although that is one of my biggest goals of the moment. Not just losing weight but regaining my health. 

Here is a journal entry I made in July 2012:

July 7^th 2012

I find myself at 50's door in 4 months and I have not been heavier. I long to feel energetic. I really want to ride a bike so bad. I am so not happy where I am right now. How does one even begin to get fit at 50. I want to be athletic again. I want to write about this journey in hope of maybe helping people my age who want to get super fit again. I know it's possible. I just do not know how to begin.

Part of it starts with the food. Still love the sweet stuff and munching on chips. But still too, I love fruits and veggies. Such a contrast. So in the last 3 months I have lost and gained 18 lbs. The first 9lbs I lost by going on a 500 calorie diet and HCG drops. Lost 9 gained in back. The second time losing 9lbs was the wonderful Atkins plan. And of course I gained it back. I finally decided I can't do another fad or starvation diet. So about two weeks ago I joined Weight Watchers. I weighed in and the lady as she was weighing says here's a number you will not see again. Yeah right I thought. I have not been back to go weigh in after I purchased a 11 week coupon book. I just can't get started. Our yummy catered in twice a week lunches do not help. Nor does the gorp as I call it, nuts, m&m's and raisins.

I was just reading my weight loss journal I started in 2010, at that time I weighed the same and was doing an Arbonne cleanse. That was horrible. Did the usual game of losing about 12lbs and then of course gaining it back. Yo-Yo dieting is what I have done on and off for the last 40 years. Yes, since I was 10 and had that wonderful defining moment in the ½ size clothing store dressing room. When after trying on clothes that cost way more than other clothes due to the specialty of them my Mom asks why can't I be normal. The defining moment of the start of a horrible body image for years to come.

I am so down as I write this. I feel totally hopeless about ever getting this weight off. It is such an anchor and total torture for someone who loves clothes and loves to dress up. I am physically tired and my knees and hips hurt so much. Just tired! I have cleared energy and worked or tried to work on all levels of engagement and still I feel this roadblock before me.

A New Blog

I had a blog back in 2009 for quite a while, it was called Caterpillar to Butterfly. I loved writing in that blog and reading all the posts from the great people that were there. They inspired me and supported me and I supported and cheered them on in their journey too. I don't know why I stopped posting. The blog was primarily focused on weight loss and well, I felt like I did not have a right to be there because I was not making progress. Three years later and I am still on that crazy loss and  gain roller coaster. So many changes have occurred in my life, some bad and some really good things but all and all I know I am really healing and moving forward in the right direction and that's all that counts. I hope to connect with other like minded people on this journey called life.